your pet Loss and the grief that follows
First of all let me tell you how truly sorry I am, if you are grieving the loss of your pet. Whether it be a dog, cat, bird, fish, horse or any other animal you have deeply bonded with.
While I am not a professional expert, therapist or counsellor in this field – I do have more experience with Pet Loss than I could ever imagine after having lost three beloved dogs in just over three years.
Let me tell you my story of Pet Loss. It is a heartbreaking and cautionary tale about the loss of a very special dog named Madeline. The grief that followed and what happened to me when I did not get the help I needed.
The loss of a heart dog can have devastating consequences. Especially when you are deeply bonded and they are your entire world.
Oh boy here we go! My Kleenex is at the ready!
It was several years ago when I had everything in life that I wanted.
A beautiful home, a supportive husband, I’d just gotten my degree, I was fit, healthy and enjoyed a quiet yet fun and fulfilled social life.
I felt had the world by the tail!
The only thing missing was a puppy!
So I purchased a beautiful Doberman Pincher puppy. She was the pick of the litter (even though she was the smallest of 12 puppies) and absolutely gorgeous.
I named her Madeline for a book I had loved as a little girl entitled Madeline Goes to Paris.
In addition to her beauty, she was a handful, she challenged me every day and I came to understand that we were two peas in a pod.
Madeline was my best friend.
Madeline was smart, funny, and very willful. She learned hand signals and voice commands in what felt like seconds. And, she very quickly became my entire world.
I left the corporate world after I had been hit by a car on the way to work.
After a short time off for recovery, I started my own pet sitting and dog walking training business. Madeline was featured in all my marketing and she became the image behind the logo.
She helped me guide so many troubled dogs over a seven year period and my business grew exponentially due to her leadership skills with troubled dogs.
Life with my best friend was so good. What could go wrong?
On a perfect sunny day, Madeline and I were out on one of our favourite off-leash walks in our neighbourhood when she hopped over a low lying log, tripped and landed on the back of her neck. She popped up and seemed fine. And off she went sniffing flowers like nothing had happened.
I kept an eye on her and watched her every move.
She seemed fine.
She came on appointments with me, was her usual cheeky self, teasing her bother Roman, playing and wanting food and attention.
I did not take Madeline to the vet for a checkup after her fall. She hated being at the vet so I just let it go.
The next day I was home for lunch from my appointments and we had lunch together. We had been for our regular walk and there was no indication of an issue.
Just as I was heading out she began to scream, she was thrashing around in her bed and then became paralyzed. I thought she had a stroke.
I quickly called the vet and let them know we were on our way. Luckily they were five minutes away.
I had difficulty getting her into my hatchback as she seemed frozen in fear and was unable to walk.
I left her at the vet as I had vital medication appointments to attend and the vet promised to call me as soon as they knew anything.
The wait seemed endless but in a couple hours the vet called and said she could go home. They diagnosed her with a partial spinal cord injury most likely, they said, due to her tumble.
The prognosis was bleak but there was some hope with neck surgery but no guarantees. I could also treat her with medications and hope for the best.
I chose not to do the neck surgery, due to her age of ten, as she had begun to show possible signs of DCM.
My husband and I took turns taking Madeline outside in our yard for bathroom breaks and sniffaris. We had to carry her in a special harness.
She had a favourite place in our yard that we named Maddie’s Garden. She loved to hide in the tall plants to hide from her brother Roman. She was always teasing him.
Madeline also loved strawberries and regularly ate them directly from our garden so I bought some from the market and placed them in the garden so she could eat them.
She had good days and bad.
She seemed very confused why her body no longer worked as it had. And she kept wanting to go to her garden. The vet explained that after what happened she was trying to find some normalcy for herself.
Eventually I was able to put her on a long training line and take her into the front yard so she could visit with friends and neighbours.
best friends forever
Dogs share in our joy and in our sorrow. They want to be with us no matter what. Even on this cold November day Madeline and I had fun together. After she passed I kept that green frog toy (in my right hand) for many years until it just simply disintegrated.
Was she getting better or was it time to say good bye?
I woke up the next day and she had gotten worse. She was crying and in obvious pain even with the strong pain medications.
I now knew she was going to die.
I called the vet and booked an in-home euthanasia appointment for her. I sobbed on the call and the poor receptionist could hardly understand me.
We managed to book the appointment and now I had to wait two days for them to attend.
I spent the next two days sobbing in the upstairs office so Madeline would not hear me. I didn’t know what to do to help myself. I went for a run and ended up in hysterics on the side of the road. I didn’t reach out to anyone or ask anyone for help. I just suffered in my silence and it was not clear to me on how I would get through the next two days. The guilt I had was enormous and I was scared for her to be euthanized.
I was going to take her life away from her and I felt I was going to betray her in the worst possible way.
The appointment finally came and it was so horrific.
I will never ever forget it.
I had medicated her ahead of the appointment so she would be relaxed which she was until the vet arrived with his assistant. As soon as she knew they were in the house she stood up and barred her teeth and barked at them.
She knew.
It was near impossible to calm her down but eventually I was able to and the vet administered the lethal injection. That never went as planned either. She kept on fighting it and fighting. I held onto her paw for dear life. She kept looking at me the entire time with eyes that said “why are you not helping me mommy?”
And then she was gone!
the loss of my heart dog and the following grief would devastate my life
Madeline was placed in a large box with her favourite toy and still wearing a pretty red ribbon I had put on her that morning and taken away for cremation.
But it wasn’t over and a new hell had just begun.
The cremation service lost her remains at first and they were delayed so she couldn’t come home to me. I kept thinking of her alone in a freezer awaiting her private cremation. Then the nightmares began.
I would have these frightening dreams that Madeline was still alive. I could touch her and talk to her. She was warm and I could smell her. She was alive again. And I was controlling the dream. But then I would wake up and she would be gone.
It was a shocking and frightening experience but I still did not seek help. I mean what would I say that I am grieving my deceased dog? Only to be laughed at.
I became more and more distraught over the loss of Madeline. She was such an important part of my life, my business and she also assisted me with my PTSD.
Now I felt so frightened and alone. I felt vulnerable.
I could no longer run my dog services business and had to close it. Seven years of a dream career and job gone because I couldn’t cope and wouldn’t get help.
I was so lost.
I stopped exercising and started eating. And I was angry. Angry at anyone and everyone. I was even so angry at my poor Doberman Roman who was suffering from grief that I could not even help him.
The mornings were the absolute worst. I missed seeing Madeline in the morning and hearing her bark for breakfast.
Also around this time we had sold our home but I didn’t want to leave. Every day my husband who was at work would ask me to try to do a little bit of packing and every night he’d come home and I had done nothing but cry.
I cried all the time. I was no longer functioning. I wanted to be with Madeline.
I just wanted to scream so I would go into the garage and sit in my car and just scream. And I would always scream the same thing. “Why did you leave me Madeline?”
forever in your heart
Even when your dog has passed - they will remain in your heart forever. That is why they are often called a Heart Dog. Madeline will always be in my heart even though I now have Sabrina the Ex-Racer in my life.
Grief Therapy for Pet Loss really helped me turn my life around
We eventually moved to Vancouver Island and after many more months of dangerous depression, anxiety, despair, anger and continued uncontrolled sobbing I finally went into Grief Therapy.
The Grief Therapy was with a doctor of psychology and she treated me with the upmost kindness and respect. She did not have any problem treating me for Pet Loss and in fact Madeline was also included in many of the therapy techniques.
She said the loss of a beloved pet is just as significant of loss as the loss of a close friend, job, home, health, parent, spouse, or child.
The doctor helped me a lot, one of the things I learned was that in my mind Madeline was my protector. I felt safe with her at all times.
And now, I no longer felt safe.
But then the doctor taught me to imagine Madeline as an angel watching over me or as a spirit who is with me all the time. And that was really helpful.
So when I would become anxious I would ask Madeline to hold my hand.
The other thing I learned and probably the one that cost me the most was that I did not want to move on, I did not want to admit Madeline was dead and never coming back. I just wanted to be sad and grieve. The more I grieved for her the less I had to admit the truth to myself.
Grief is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with in my entire life.
It is dark and very troubling. It comes in soft waves and huge powerful waves. It is unpredictable and cruel. It brought me to my knees on more than one occasion.
I wish that I had gotten Grief Therapy sooner but the truth is I wasn’t ready for it and was far too worried I would be ridiculed.
It didn’t fix me or cure me and I will never ever be the person I was but it helped me to understand my emotions and confirm for me that I hadn’t lost my way entirely.
And it came just in time because later that year I lost Roman my other Doberman to sudden death due to Congestive Heart Failure. But that’s another story. For another day.
But remember grief is cumulative - meaning Cumulative Grief is the experience of multiple losses. The challenging aspects of grief can be exacerbated with each new loss.
Love your dogs, hounds and pups and take lots of video and photos of you together because you never know when that last funny or special moment may be your last.
And please consider the idea of seeking Pet Loss Therapy, if you feel you cannot cope with your loss.
she was always my protector
Madeline chased the crows away after they wouldn’t stop dive bombing us at the dog beach. She was my safety net. I will always love her and miss her.
